Just got back a little while ago. I can't write much b/c I only have a few minutes to get ready for the dive-in. Bessie took up the better part of my afternoon by making me shuck corn until my arms felt like they were about to fall off - punishment for taking off unexpectedly for the summer, I guess. God, I think if I had time I could write the Great American (Teen) Novel right now. I have many emotions swimming around inside my head, it's hard for me to even see straight. Ok - Gotta run. I'll write more later.
Oh, before I forget, guess what's playing tonight? "Jaws." Wonder if Dawson planned that one?
I can't believe I'm back in Capeside. Home sweet home. I don't know what I thought it would feel like. You know the saying "You can't go home again?" Well it seems wrong - you can go home again, you just can't ensured that nothing will have changed.
It's different now. It's not like I expected the world to stop spinning on its axis just because Pacey and I were gone for the summer - but I don't know. It'shard for me to verbalize, even on paper, or my computer.
Anyway, I expected to come back to Dawson angsting and the otheres revolving around hm in an obligatory periphery but things couldn't be more different. It's like Jen, Andie, Jack, and Dawson are...like...actual friends. They're like those cliques Dawson and I vowed to never be a part of, but I guess somewhere deep down probably wished we could be. They hung out and took pictures and shared secrets and have inside jokes and for all the experiences I gained while travelling,
I guess I've just realized I've missed other ones. But that's how it is when you chose anything, right? In order to gain one thing, you give another up. I guess I did both.
Ok - I am so upset right now. And it's probably totally illogical and makes absolutely no sense and if anyone else was reading this they'd think I was crazy but Bessie just completely pissed me off. She suggested I get a job! I mean, hello? I've been planning on getting a job the moment I got back (who else is going to pay for college?) but then she brings it up as if I haven't been thinking about it every day. Not only that, it is as if she was rubbing in my uselessness. She's made it abundantly clear that the B and B has no need for my assistance. She acts like it's running itself. And to be honest...it is. Obviously, I want it to be hugely successful but I guess I just thought that to be successful, it included me - after all, it was my idea. Well, actually it was my mom's dream and Pacey's idea so now that I think about it...I guess I really did have nothing to do with this. Alright, I'm going to email Pacey and go to bed.
I left and everything went great. Couldn't have been better actually. My presence makes no difference in the success of my family business.
I made plans today to hang out with Jack and when I got to the park, Jack and Dawson were there. I guess that was Jack's not-so-subtle way of getting Dawson and I together. It was so awkward. I wanted to tell Jack all about my trip but how much could I really say with Dawson there? "Oh, yeah, at night when Pacey and I were alone on the boat..." I'm sure Dawson really wanted to hear about that - and to be honest, I don't want to talk about that with Dawson either. Just because I love Pacey doesn't mean I can forget about all Dawson and I shared. Sure, physically it was just a couple of kisses but emotionally, our relationship had been more of a roller coaster ride than Space Mountain. Jack's heart was in the right place though. He's just trying to repair friendships. The think is all friendships - aside from the ones with Pacey and I - are intact. Jack, Andie, Jen, and Dawson, according to the stills on Dawson's wall, are like four peas in a pod (are there four peas in a pod?). I'm glad Jack is trying to include me - I can't help wondering if coming to the park was Dawson's idea, rather than Jack's? Or maybe I'm reading too much into this. Maybe they were painting and Jack just invited Dawson along. Maybe Dawson didn't know I was meeting up with them. Or maybe I'm crazy because I'm trying to analyze something that is not a big deal. The fact of the matter is, Dawson and I are trying to repair our friendship and in order to do that, we have to attempt to be friends. I'll always want to be friends with Dawson. I'll always want him in my life. I hope there's room for both Dawson and Pacey.
How can my senior year be on the verge of starting? I knew I'd get here but there's a certain finality to everything. All the "lasts" are fast approaching - last year of school, last year in Capside, last time I have to eat Fiesta Salad for lunch...last chance to mend my friendship with Dawson. I guess all these lasts are just paving the way for many firsts. Ok, I need to get my bookbag together for school. After all these months seeing the world (well, the Eastern Seaboard), I imagine Capeside High is going to feel awfully small. I guess that's how you know you've outgrown something.
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