Just got home from Pacey's beach house. Pacey's beach house-that still sounds weird. It makes him sound like a 30-year-old yuppie with a home and 2.5 kids, not a high school senior who rents a place with his sister. The beach house has certain perks...but isn't it really weird that now no one I know besides Dawson really lives with their parents?? I don't know if teenagers in love were meant to be so free from parental supervision...Of course, I'd rather have my parents here than have the freedom to make out. It's weeks like this last one that make me really miss my mom. Sex, boys, growing up...those are things moms help you with. I mean, Bessie and Bodie are great (except when Bessie freaks out!) but it's not the same as having a parent. I mean, I feel like I'm the one taking care of HER half the time. And other times, I just have to take care of things myself.
I don't know which is harder to believe...the fact that I Jen's advice regarding sex...or the fact that I have to admit she was kind of right in sending me to the clinic. Aside from the completely and totally embarrassing me...It made me realize that I haven't really thought this through yet...Which must mean...I'm not ready.
So I'm still thinking about this whole Pacey "to have sex or not to have sex" thing...I did feel like he was pressuring me a little, not in an overt kind of way but in a subconscious, he didn't mean to be doing it sort of way. But it still was pressure. It takes me a lot to mention things like birth control and to worry about repercussions of sex. When I used to envision my first time, it wasn't exactly Pacey I thought of. Now it's all I think about. It's weird -- at one time, Jack and I got pretty close to sex. Oh my god -- me and Jack?? How times change...
I guess it's just hard. Sex to me is more than sex. It's like with Dawson - he thinks a kiss is so much more than a kiss. It's this life-altering, meaningful thing that changes everything. Well, deep down, I feel the same way. The first time Pacey kissed me, I knew it was more than just an accidental kiss. That's what made it so difficult. To all of us, a kiss is more than a kiss. And sex - that's like a thousand kisses rolled into one. It's probably a pretty good thing that we didn't have it. And aren't going to rush into it in the near future.
Can't write much. Gotta meet Pacey. But now I'm reconsidering...Pacey and I are two consenting almost adults. The fact is we're safe, we're responsible, and we're in love. Why shouldn't we have sex? Sex is a natural part of life - at least that's what the gyno said (reminder to thank Jen for teh most humiliating experience ever).
It just seems silly to wait when we know we're going to do it eventually. It's like when I was little and I wanted a banana seat bike so bad and my mom said I'd get it for Christmas - well, Christmas was still four months away and I was stuck riding on the handlebars of Dawson's bike in the meantime. So I explained to mymom that if she was going to for sure give me the bike later, why not just give it to me now? That way I could use it right away. Sure enough the next day...she got me the bike.
Ok - now I'm forgetting? Did I have a point?... Oh, yeah, sex with Pacey. I think I'm gonna just do it.
We didn't do it. As we were making out on the couch, I remembered something. That Christmas (the one where I was suppose to get the bike) I barely got any presents (just socks and underwear and boring stuff) because they'd given me the bike earlier. I was really bummed out and my dad told me that sometimes good things are worth waiting for. Maybe sex is one of those things...
Of course that doesn't stop me from thinking about it. Will I be thinking about sex from now until I just have it? There are reasons why I'm leery (no pun intended!) of having sex. Bessie's situation has made me all too keenly aware of the repercussions of sex. It's hard because Pacey's use to relationships equaling sex. First there was Tamara (oh, god!) and then Andie. When I use to look at Pacey and Andie, I thought nothing would ever tear them apart. And when something did, it seemed all the more painful because they'd been so close and shared so much. Maybe a part of me is scared to
have someone know me that closely - it would make it all the more heartbreaking if it didn't work out.
Also, I have to admit that knowing Andie and Pacey had sex causes some additional anxiety. For all Pacey and I shared, they've shared something we haven't... I hate to be jealous of history but at the core, I am.
Ok - no mention of sex, condoms, birth control pills, Norplant, IUD, or anything in this journal entry...
Sad thing is I don't have anything else to write about. I guess I'm the one with a one-track mind.
Let's see - well we had to do the physical fitness test today. Jen and I are getting closer than ever - first she helped me deal with that ungodly hangover, then she gave me birth control/sex advice (whoops - I mentioned it), and now she held my legs while I did 53 sit-ups in a minute. But that arm hang - it's torture! Jen outlasted me but I did beat one person - Barbara Johns!
And Andie seriously needs to back off with this college stuff - I'm on the verge of anxiety attacks. I'm hard at work on my applications and I can't wait for college. I've been dreaming about getting out of Capeside forever...now I guess I'm just scared of it actually happening.
The only thing is...if Pacey and I are going our separate ways at the end of the year (will we????), maybe we should have sex now - we might not get another chance. On the other hand, if we're meant to be together, it will eventually happen, won't it? ...
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! No more debating about sex. What happened to the days when I debated about things like "E.T." and "Footloose?".
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