Wow. Well, I guess you don't know what that's like until it happens. Seeing your ex kiss someone else. It sounds so dramatic, calling Dawson my ex. I don't know what else to call him sometimes. I know I saw him kiss Eve. The whole school did. Still, I guess sometimes it's a question of whether or not you want your...ex...being with someone who obviously won't amount to anything (Eve) or being with someone who just might amount to be a big deal (Gretchen).
Wow. It was weird, to say the least. And I guess the reason I came back here and immediately went to this journal was because, well, I want to process why it's weird. How can that have hit me in the stomach after all this time, especially considering how intensely I feel about Pacey? I mean, I feel like I don't even have a right to feel this way. Feel what way? I don't know, I guess I'm dancing around that one, hmm? I don't want to say I felt jealous. That doesn't hit the nail quite on the head. I felt like... I felt a little like Jimmy Stewart in "It's A Wonderful Life", seeing how things go on without me. It's not good or bad, just interesting, I guess. Just... wow.
And I mean, come on, Pacey's SISTER. This is more than a little bizarre. I couldn't really read the look on Pacey's face. It looked like initial horror, and then it subsided. As I learned tonight, he obviously has the ability to mix well into the mood of a party. Still, I wonder how he really feels about it. It doesn't seem like something I should bring up, though. I don't want him to think I care, because I don't. Not in the way I'm afraid Pacey would think I do.
You know what? It's completely insane that I should be sitting here freaking out this-I feel awful saying this, but I can't help but wonder if this just another part of the Pacey/Dawson competition, conscious or not. You know-like a "you've moved on? Well, I've moved on! You're dating my soulmate? I'm dating your sister!" Who knows? Maybe Gretchen and I are just pawns in their little machismo game...I guess I don't really believe that. But I wonder sometimes...
Where did Pacey get all those jokes he was telling Kubelik, by the way? I thought I had heard every single joke in his repertoire on the boat this summer...and let me tell you, that was one long summer. But tonight was pretty amazing. I mean, when I see Pacey like that, it really baffles me why he isn't at the head of every single class. Someone who thinks that quickly, that clearly. Even if he was being a little dishonest, it had a purpose. I never really thought he put me first in his head that way. I mean, I know he says it, but sometimes actions speak louder than words. It's touching the way Pacey thinks about me, even if the way he carries his feelings through can be a little maddening.
Still, aside from the fact that he scored us an in with Kubelik, the party kinda threw me off in another way. Sitting there beside Pacey that night, I found myself having all these...feelings. Feelings I don't want to have for the guy I love. Jealousy. I don't like the feeling of competing with Pacey, and I felt like, tonight, I was. Now, how messed up is it to encourage someone to succeed but then, when they get close to surpassing you, you want to hold them back? I don't know. I get confused about Pacey sometimes. And maybe a little frustrated. I don't know where he's going. I don't like to think about all the conflicts that the future is going to bring. As much as I want to get out of this town, what is that going to mean in the long run? I want so badly for him to get everything he wants out of life, so what's my problem?
You know, maybe it's not him at all. Maybe it's just that I'm afraid that I'm not going to succeed. Pacey puts me up on such a pedestal of being the best and the brightest, and I guess I'm worried that I'm not. Grades are one thing, but I could never handle a room the way he did tonight. Where is that going to put me in life?
I have never procrastinated this much in my whole life. I can't believe I'm sitting here IMing people and writing all these useless, profound thoughts down when I should be studying or something. I want to at least feel like I accomplished SOMETHING tonight. And I've got to get into this Walden. Bodie and Bessie are leaving tomorrow morning and it all seems peachy keen now but I know how Alexander gets when they take off. What kind of vibe do I exude that makes him think that time with Aunt Joey is the equivalent of Cirus Circus?
Why am I having such a hard time focusing? Need I ask the obvious. I can't get them kissing out of my head. It is a big deal. I might as well admit it. Maybe then it will be easier to just get over it. It's just, every time I close my eyes it's like this IMPRINT on my eyelids. What is my problem?
Okay. Okay. There is a problem. I know what I'm doing. I'm just fallng back on habit. I'm just reacting the way it's always seemed natural for me to react, even though it has nothing to do with the way I feel anymore. I mean, I'm crazy about Pacey. I know that. This is like...when I was convinced I hated lobster when I was little and refused to eat it, even though it's really cheap here and Dad got a license to catch it out of the bay. I use to freak out when I saw them because they looked like what I thought aliens were suppose to look like. So I refused to eat them for years, based on habit. And then I tasted one, and it was really good. So, that's all it is. I'm reacting to Dawson and Gretchen the way I use to react to lobsters. I taught myself to react that way and I can un-teach myself. Right? Yes. Lobsters. That's it.
You know what's also making it hard to buckle down? Walden! I can't believe Kasdan is making us read this and expecting us to study? I mean..."If the bell rings, why should we run? We will consider what kind of music they are like." Basically, the whole book is just persuading me to live my life unfettered by detail, to slow down, to embrace simplicity. That sounds just peachy. That sounds like something Jen's class would focus on: simplicity and no homework. How did Jen end up in the easier AP class? She's really smart and now she doesn't even ahve to prove it! So why am I even studying? Why aren't I rowing around on the creek, taking in the moonlight? And why am I still thinking about Dawson and Gretchen? Maybe just because all of this seemed to happen and...I don't know. That's just it: I don't know.
Yeah, well, that's teen angst for you. High school can be a maddening contradiction.
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