Entry 1

Well, my love for mini-golf is officially gone... which wasn't really difficult, given that I don't have a great passion for it to begin with.  This year is turning out to be one of the most surreal times in my life.  If you had told me, say two years ago that I would be half the things I'm doing this year, I would have laughed in your face.  And if you had told me two months ago that I'd be playing mini-golf with Drue Friggin' Valentine and some bottle blonde, trying to make sure they were both having fun, no less, I would have surely guffawed.

But there I was.  Nothing more to say about that, really, aside from the fact that I really owe Pacey one.  Although, it didn't really really look like he was having too horrible of a time being nice to Anna.  I guess it's not too difficult for any teenage guy to be nice to a curvy blonde, especially one who isn't the brightest light on the Christmas tree.  I don't know why I'm being catty... Pacey isn't like that.  I guess part of me will just never recover from the silliness of being threatened by pretty blondes.

You know what irks me?  That I keep on, against my better judgement and my most valiant attempts, seeing Drue's human side.  I mean, in actuality, it doesn't really exist, I know, I know... still, the more I know about him, the more I seem to understand why he's messed up.  Hmmm... I better stop paying attention.  I don't want to wake up and find myself caring.

Entry 2

I'm glad that I can go on this ski trip.  Actually, I guess I'm just relieved that the Drue survival test I had to endure is finally over.  I'm not really much of a skier, though.  Even though I've grown up here in the ice and snow... I don't know.  It always just seemd like it was more of a wealthy kid's pastime.  I hadn't felt that way in a while, but I guess I've been reminded of it since I've been working at the Yacht Club.  Seems like when kids aren't talking about where they sailed, they're talking about where they skied. It's weird.  I've done enough of both of those things myself, and yet I still feel annoyed when I hear those people talk about it.  I guess that's just it... it's the way I think of htem as "those people".  The differences are subtle, but they're still there.

But anyway, what's this Pacey says about having big plans?  Since neither of us is rolling in cash, it's obviously not some elaborate present, so I've gotta say I can only think of one other thing... one other really, really big deal.  I don't know I feel about that.  Well, yes I do.  I'm scared out of my mind.  But is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Entry 3

I've been obsessing so much about this ski trip and what may or may not happen on it that I've kind of lost track of the big picture. Dawson has such huge stuff going on in his life right now... it's bizarre to be disconnected from it, to be worrying about things that seem kind of foolish all of the sudden. I mean, Dawson is dealing with life and death. Literally. He's got Gretchen to help him get through this, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't still feel the urge to be the first in line when it came to caring and just... being there.

Sometimes it seems like Dawson is growing up without me.  He's always been growing up before my eyes, of course, but now... I don't know, stuff like going out with Gretchen and her older friends, the fact that Gretchen's got a tattoo... He's dating someone so experienced, so wise. I always, even when I was little, thought of Gretchen as this adult, this woman. And now Dawson's dating her.

And I'm dating her little brother.  And I feel like we're still "kids." Sometimes, when I'm not thinking about it too hard, I feel absolutely ready to take the next step with Pacey. I mean, months ago, I thought I was. But now that the question is there, permanently hanging between us, it makes me tenser than it might have to begin with. It's becoming what we're about. Sometimes I want to just close my eyes and have "it" have happened already. But I guess that's not really the point, huh?

I hope Dawson's okay. I hope this is all going to be okay.

Entry 4

Who is this girl and why oh why is she e-mailing my boyfriend? And why did Drue think it was okay to give her Pacey's e-mail address? Okay, granted, that was a really stupid question. It's not that I think Pacey's going to do anything, it's just... okay, yes, I wonder, when I'm so... not... doing anything, I guess I have to wonder if he's going to be interested in somebody who is. God, that's a horrible thing to think. Maybe by just writing it right here, I'll push it out of my mind and stop thinking about it. I know Pacey loves me, and I know he says he's fine with everything, but... everything has been about IT for so long that I've lost track of what the real everythings are. Like, are we happy together? Yes, of course we are. Life is just moving a little fast this year. I don't even have time to do the things I would have liked to do once upon a time, like the reading thing with Jen's friend Tobey.  I know Pacey wasn't trying to make me jealous. He's not the type. But he might have been trying to let me know that other people notice that he's the knight in shining armor every once in a while. Question is, what's reward for that?

Also, I have to admit that knowing Andie and Pacey had sex causes some additional anxiety. For all Pacey and I have shared, they've shared something we haven't... I hate to be jealous of history but at the core, I am.

Entry 5

What is this surprise??? I'm becoming less and less sure that this ski trip is going to be fun. Maybe I had my doubts all along, but...the past couple of days with Pacey have been tense. I don't really know what to make of it. The problem might be bigger than our past few exchanges.

And I just found out Dawson isn't going to be on the ski trip, which is awful. I mean, would I have been comfortable spooning with Pacey in front of him?  Not so much, no. But still, it won't be the same without him. Like I said earlier, he's growing up so much faster than he should have to.

I guess I relate to that. Maybe this all reminds me of what happened with Mom. Spending all day in the hospital. Waiting for news, even though the news was bound to be bad, no matter what.

I wish I could be there for him right now. Still, for so many reasons, I can't be. I can't even wrap my mind around the implications of that.