As if I didn't have enough to worry about, I still haven't heard from Worthington, or any other school for that matter. I did however have to redo my financial aid forms, which is about as fun as sticking toothpicks under your fingernails. Also, to increase my anxiety, Jen and Jack already got into both Boston Bay and B.U. Of course, I don't feel too bad. Dawson hasn't heard from NYU or USC either. Misery loves company. I guess we could both attend Capeside Community College together.
I'd never tell Pacey this, but the thought of Dawson and I possibly going to school on separate coasts kinda frightens me. We've spent the last two summers apart on bad terms, and even then it felt as though a part of me was missing. But I do hope the best for him. To be honest, Pacey's the one I worry about most. He hasn't actually been a Mr. Bookworm lately and I'm starting to worry if he's been keeping up with all his classes. And I don't wanna ask him about it either. What would I say "Oh, Jen and Jack just got into Emerson. Dawson's waiting to hear from NYU and I'm waiting to hear from Worthington. By the way, how are those makeup junior classes going, Pacey?" See what I mean? I think I need an aspirin.
Gretchen was playing this Cat Stevens album at the beach house yesterday. It was this beautiful song and the chorus went something like "Ooh, baby it's a wild world," and those simple lyrics never rang more true. It's interesting how the older you get, songs you used to enjoy for no special reason at all, suddenly take on new meaning.
It's been a while now, but I still can't forget about the conversation I had with Gretchen. The one about how I lied to Dawson. And I hate to admit it but she did get me to questioning my motives. If Dawson is somehow (however subconsciously) saving himself for me (and I don't just mean in a sexual way), then it's not fair to her or any other girls Dawson may have a relationship with in the future. At first I had no doubt about the reason I lied to Dawson. Sex is a very personal decision. But now I'm starting to wonder if maybe, without even knowing it, I lied to him because somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, I want him to wait for me. In case... well, in case I ever... god, how can I even think like that? Maybe I just don't want to stop being the most important person in his life. Wow, sometimes I can feel like a horrible girlfriend. A horrible girlfriend and a horrible person.
Pacey's been acting a little weird lately. Well, more than normal at least. He's just been really distant. I'm starting to get a little paranoid about whether Gretchen told him that I lied to Dawson. But with Pacey's temper, I can't imagine him not confronting me if she did tell him. I've realized that I am going to have to tell Dawson soon, though. At least before we all leave for college, if I ever hear from Worthington that is. I'm starting to understand a little of what Gretchen was getting at. About these lies that we all tell to protect each other. I remember growing up, I used to love the credo "The truth shall set you free." Back then, I could never have dreamed of telling even the most insignificant of white lies. I mean, maybe Pacey does know, and now he's lying to protect me about knowing about me lying to Dawson to protect him. It's interesting how the older you get, the less black and white things are and they become more shades of gray. What happened to the days when my biggest worry was whether or not Dawson was gonna put me in a kissing scene in "Sea Creature from the Deep?" With Pacey, no less! Oh, to be young again.
I thought about telling Pacey today that we should cool it with the S-E-X. Anyway, I thought about it, but couldn't bear to have another "Is this about Dawson" discussion with Pacey. And honestly, I can't say 100%25 that it isn't, at least in some capacity. I felt so awkward having to hide when Dawson came inside Pacey's to use the telephone. When I pictured myself being old enough and prepared enough to have sex, I never imagined having to sneak around and hide in bathrooms, and I don't want it to have to be that way. Maybe this is just my way of circumventing lying to Dawson. I mean, if we're not having sex, then I'm not lying right? Oh, who am I kidding?
I went over to Pacey's today. He wasn't there, but Gretchen was, which was actually nice. We had a chance to talk and resolve a lot of issues. Not that those things were necessarily bad between us, but things had been a little awkward since she confronted me about lying to Dawson. Pacey came home that day in the middle of it, and we never got to finish our little discourse. We both apologized and she talked about how I was right, that sex is a very personal decision and that if I didn't want anybody to know, I didn't have to. And I told her that I now understood what she meant about telling Dawson the truth, for Pacey's sake. I'm not saying I'm ready to tell Dawson. I mean, deep down I know that it's probably be the best thing to do, but just because you should do it, doesn't mean you always will. I guess, as with everything else in my life right now, only time will tell.
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