So. This is odd, huh? I never would have thought when I saw Jen get out of that cab, all blonde and flowery dress-clad, that I would be excited to go to New York City with her. In fact, all New York represented to me at the time was some far off place I wanted to send Jen back to! But, things have changed, to say the least. I mean, at that time, when New York was some imaginary place I'd never see, I never would have thought that the very same guy I was repulsed by during the filming of "Sea Creature From the Deep" would be the first one to take me to the Big Apple.
It seems like so long ago that Pacey and I had that night in New York. It wasn't even New York, really. Just this romantic, whirlwind tour. All I remember are how many lights there were, how odd it was to not be able to see every single star like we could when we were on "True Love." And I remember Pacey. It seems weird to say this when I'm obviously so young, but... things just seemed innocent then. The fact that I'm going to New York City to experience it for real this time, without Pacey... I can't help but wonder if it is symbolic of what's to come... Years of things I'll experience without Pacey. Where is he going to fit into everything?
Now I'm feeling really guilty about going to New York, since it turns out that Pacey can't even experience the requisite joy of Ditch Day at all. He has to take these Junior classes instead. When things like this happen, I really step back and realize how bad this year has been for Pacey, and he hardly even mentions it. I wonder if that's him being strong or him not allowing his feelings to surface, you know? And I don't want to ask him about it because I don't want him to think that it seems like something's wrong to begin with. I'm sure that I'm overthinking this as usual, but that's what growing up under the microscope with Dawson will do to a girl. I just feel like I'm at a crossroads. I'm wavering between the things I want to do and experience and hanging back and making sure Pacey is okay. And he never asked me to do that. If anything, he's always bee supportive of me venturing out into that big scary world. And I know that we love each other. It's just the times, I guess. I feel so uncertain. Even with college decided, things didn't magically fall into place the way I somehow imagined they would. Just goes to show, even if you put a lot of pressure on one specific thing to happen for you... when it actually does, there's still uncertainty. Still things to discover and figure out within myself, I guess. So it will be good, to get away from everything if only for a day and to just... see what it's like out there, I guess. Just knowing that Pacey is in math class with a bunch of juniors makes me sad. I wish there was something concrete I could actually do for him, but what he needs... sadly, maybe he can't get from me.
I just signed off from chatting with Dawson. I'm even more sentimental than normal lately. I know it's because it's the end of the year, and because we just got into school. I find myself replaying all these mental movies, and once you get into mental movie land, it's pretty difficult to avoid Dawson. We're so different now. He said it himself, he's not the same guy he was last year. And I'm not the same girl by any stretch of the imagination. Sure, we're handling things well and it's all very mature, but at the same time, I don't really feel so different from the girl who hid in Dawson's closet when things got rough. We're changing, but we're not. The stakes are getting higher. I mean, the fact that Dawson so generously gave me that money... that was such a staggeringly adult, huge thing. I still can't believe it sometimes. It's like he's made this whole new world possible for me. That knowledge is always in the back on my mind, and I know that it must bother Pacey, even though he's being so great about it. It must be difficult, knowing that Dawson did this huge thing for me that he couldn't, nor was he expected to do.
I think some people always fill a certain place in your heart. A different place. It's not a competition.
It's finally starting to sink in that school is taken care of. I've spent so much of my youth worrying about this that it's hard to let go of! But I woke up this morning and I just felt... relief. Like I've finally accepted that things are looking up and I'm not doomed to be another tragic Potter in Capeside. I don't mean to insult Bessie... She has, after all, done pretty well for herself! But now I'm all antsy. Not worrying twenty-four hours a day has left me with a lot of energy I don't know what to do with. Obviously sex with Pacey is a lovely way to spend my time, but aside from that, I'm just bursting at the seams!
So my point is, I'm excited about New York. Officially excited now. I was a little nervous at first. Poor Jen, though. She has no idea what a drill sergeant I'm going to be. I bet she takes New York for granted at the point and there are things she's never seen, and I am determined to experience every single one! Who cares if we only have a day? Live it to the fullest, right? She told me to pack light in case we got mugged. I wonder if she was serious.
I just got back from Pacey's house and we, as planned, had sex. It's so wonderful, obviously, but at the same time I feel lately like every action has this loaded weight to it. I guess loaded weight is redundant. Just... weight. Expectancy. College means future, no matter how you put it, and Pacey and I can't put off the inevitable. I know it was easy for him to say at my bbq that he'll do whatever it takes to make this work. I believe him, and I want the same thing, but I keep waking up with this looming feeling and a voice in my head that says will this really work? I guess I worry mostly if Pacey will be happy. If he tells me something will work, then I have little reason not to believe him. After all, we've suffered through a lot together and I trust him with my life. But after a while, if I'm at Worthington and he's doing whatever he ends up doing, I'm worried that I'm just going to feel bad, wondering if he's fulfilled, wondering if he resents me. It's not good, to feel unbalanced by this. I don't want to feel guilty about my future, and the craziest thing is, Pacey wouldn't even expect me too!
Sometimes I wish I could act more my age. It's impossible at this point, I know. Maybe it's not that I want to act more my age, but just that I wish Mom were here to give me advice on how to feel at this point in my life. Bessie gives advice, of course, sometimes unwanted, but she and I both know it's not the same. And I really just can't talk to her about any of this. I could talk to Mrs. Leery... but I can't just go to her and say, "so, yeah, what should I do about this whole me and Pacey and college thing? Yeah, I lost my virginity to him, now what?" Oh, yeah, she would love that.
Maybe I'm just over-thinking. Again. But when I close my eyes sometimes, I catch a glimpse of sand slipping through an hourglass. And I don't know whether to flip the hourglass over and start from the beginning, or shatter it altogether. Maybe it will fall into place. Maybe it will be fine. Maybe going to Boston next year will uncover this whole new easy, happy world. Or maybe I really do have something to be worried about.
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