Pacey and I broke up. Actually it was all Pacey. I didn't want to break up at all. I don't want to break up. Actually I don't even know if we did - I mean does it end like that? With him spewing hurtful remarks and me telling him to go to hell?
He saw me dancing with Dawson and I looked happy. So what if I was happy for like five minutes? It didn't mean what Pacey thought it meant, if that was even what it was really about. God, Dawson's about to have sex with Gretchen - who knows, they could be having sex right now - and Pacey's still worrying about me sharing any moment of happiness with Dawson? Dawson isn't Pacey's worst enemy - it seems like Pacey is Pacey's worst enemy. Or I am.
I can't write about this all right now. I just want to crawl into bed and forget that this day ever happened.
I feel even worse this morning. I want to call Pacey and ask him if everything he said was true. Part of me can't believe that it is... but if it wasn't true why would he have said it? Just to hurt me? Just to make me want to break up with him?
He said I make him feel worthless and stupid. He also said it's not his fault. Everyone thinks of him as poor Pacey who didn't get into college or who screwed the limo. I tried to tell him that I didn't think of him that way at all and he said I should. He feels like nothing and doesn't even want to touch me. And I wish I could even figure out when and how this happened. How did we go from being as close as two people can possibly be... to tonight... when I felt like he was a stranger - someone I never knew at all. I never thought Pacey could look at me and say those kinds of things. I never thought he could hurt me like this and be angry with me just because I love him so much.
It's taking all my strength not to pick up the phone and call him. I can't handle being this far away from him, not knowing what he's doing. This whole year I've been so excited for getting out of Capeside and getting into a good college and now it's happened and I feel like I've lost the one thing that made it all worth it - Pacey.
Don't get me wrong. In my brain, I know a person's life shouldn't revolve around a guy and a relationship ending isn't the end of the world. But don't bother telling that to my heart right now.
Is it possible for your heart to actually hurt?
I called Pacey. He wasn't home and for some reason the answering machine wasn't picking up.
I wanted to leave him a message - how dorky is this? I even wrote it out because I wanted to make sure I said everything I needed to say. But he wasn't there.
God, I never wanted to be one of those girls... you know who I mean... the ones whose entire conversations consist of "should I call him?" and "but what if he doesn't call me?" How did all of my years of acquiring the wisdom to avoid such a fate boil down into my becoming exactly that? I don't want to need him like this. I don't want to need anyone like this.
Maybe it's better. Maybe he's not the guy I thought he was. But maybe we can work this out. I love him.
Tomorrow night is another Worthington party thrown by Mr. Kubelik. The good news is that the pressure is off - I'm already in. It's going to be all the seniors (or incoming freshman) from nearby counties. Hopefully I'll meet some nice people. Not that I'm exactly in the mood for a party, but I think maybe it's what I need... to remind myself that I have a whole future ahead of me, sans Pacey.
So how come the thought of that makes me want to cry?
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