I'm sure if I looked back at all my journals, somewhere I'm sure I said that I didn't think things could get any worse. I couldn't have been more wrong. Last night I got arrested for public drunkenness... with Drue Valentine no less. Man, I feel pathetic right now. I don't know what possessed me to do it. It was something about being at school on ditch day, knowing Joey was out in the big city, moving forward with her life, seeing how much more is out there besides her most-likely-to-repeat high school boyfriend back in Capeside. Something in me just snapped. And as always, I handled it in classic Witter fashion: poorly. I think the worst part was my dad didn't even say anything and I'm sure Doug told him. I guess he's just learning to accept his screw-up for a son. I would rather have had him yell at me. At least then I'd know what he was thinking. I'd know that he cared. But then, that's what I've always done, right? Settled for negative attention over none at all. But what's the difference? I need someone right now, and I don't think I can face Joey anytime soon.
As usual, someone bailed me out again. This time it was Doug. He pulled a few strings and got all the charges dropped. As long as I promise to get my life in order. The sad part is I'm not sure I can keep that promise. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I think I may be past the point of no return. He also wants me to go away with him next weekend. A little personalized "Scared Straight" (no pun intended) program he's taking me on. And I must say there's nothing scarier than spending a weekend with Dougie listening to Streisand. I haven't had the guts to tell Joey about my arrest. And to be honest, I'm not sure I ever will. I feel like such a scumbag. Getting arrested. Lying to my girlfriend. All I need to complete my resume is to flunk out of high school, get Joey pregnant, and move out of the beach house and into a trailer park to raise kids named "Luanne" and "Jim-Bob" while I drink beers with a one-toothed guy named Bubba. I hope I can get it together before I let that depressing thought manifest itself into reality.
Joey keeps emailing me. I think she senses that something is wrong. I know I'm the one who screwed up, but for some reason... I just can't talk to her. Every time I get one of her emails, I can almost hear the pity in her voice. I'm starting to feel like her little charity case. Like she takes delight in cleaning up my messes. I don't know why she stays with me. I'm pretty worthless right now. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before she drops me for some sophisticated Worthington socialite. Actually, Joey would never do that. But it helps make me feel better about being angry with her. Did I just say that? I don't really mean "angry" with her...just... I don't know. To make things worse, prom's right around the corner. That night has misery written all over it. You wanna know how bad things are? I don't even feel like being with her at all. Yes, I'm talking about sex. I don't know what it is, but I guess I just don't feel like I could really be attractive to her right now. Dear god, did I really just say that? I'm starting to sound like one of those whiny girls on Sex and the City.
I saw Joey tonight, for the first time since the "incident." I'm sure she could sense something was wrong, because we hardly talked at all. She brought over some pizza and we watched, ironically enough, Ferris Bueller's Day Off. The prospect of not graduating is starting to really sink in. I'm doing miserably in Mr. Kasdan's class and that may just be enough to make me a fifth year senior. I guess one of the reasons I cracked on ditch day is that it gave me a glimpse of what my life might soon be like: Back at Capeside High without any of my friends. Maybe I'll just sail off completely on my own this summer and never come back. Or get a job as a deckhand on some luxury liner. I doubt anyone would miss me. Well, maybe Doug. I forgot to give him back his handcuffs.
Joey came over again tonight and I feel bad about it, but for some reason I can't control my frustration towards her. I'm leaving for my "trip" with Doug soon. Joey and I won't be in touch for a few days, and I can honestly say I don't think I'm gonna miss her all that much. I am kinda looking forward to some time away from her. Maybe I'm just angry with myself. Jen told me I may be projecting. She said that's what her therapist told her most people are doing when they're angry at someone. My anger mostly began when she started telling me about her trip to New York, how wonderful it was and how much culture there was and how it opened her eyes up to this whole new world. I mean, how could she say those things to me right now? Doesn't she understand what I'm going through? How could she be so insensitive? Doesn't she understand I'm facing the prospect of spending another year in this two-bit town? Possibly the rest of my life. Then again, maybe I'm the insensitive one for not being happy for her. If I truly loved her, wouldn't I be? I'm just starting to feel so trapped in my relationship with her. Like I'm holding her back. The truth is... she'd be better off without me.
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