Well, it's been a few weeks since we left and the magic of it all hasn't worn off yet...that's a good sign, right? Sign that this was the right thing for me to do. That I deserve this happiness that I sought out, that I abandoned everything that was known and safe to me for. It's like...when I look at little Alexander...it's beautiful the way the whole world is so new to him - and every little mundane thing is exciting and something to be explored. I can't remember ever feeling that way - for as long as I can remember everything has seemed old and all too familiar to my eternally jaded eyes. But that's how I feel now - like everything is new and amazing and wonderful..except the on-board commode. That could definitely use some improvements. But beyond that...I'm sitting out on the deck, taking in a sun filled afternoon - (covered in SPF 40 sunblock...I learned this lesson the hard way) -- drawing this picture of the Connecticut coastline. Yes, we're going slow but this way, we're taking it all in...
Okay, so when I hopped aboard this
ship I hadn't exactly taken fully into account the sleeping arrangements.
Pacey had one obvious plan, which I obviously nixed...Just because I'm
willing to explore these feelings I have for him doesn't mean I'm ready
to hop in the nearest convenient sack. I think not. I'm not
ready for sex and I'm afraid if we fall into the habit of sleeping in the
same bed together we'll be headed down a path I've already trod and I'm
not interested in repeating. Dawson...there wasn't any mystery.
I want to hold on to the mystery of what this is with Pacey for as long
as possible...Fortunately Pacey came up with a workable option, and he
created some impromptu sleeping quarters. Not that I don't want to
have sex with him...I mean every time I'm near him now I get goosebumps!
When he kisses me...I don't want it to stop. But I know in my heart
that I should wait...If my sister isn't a stellar example of the joys of
sex too soon...I don't know what is.
The sleeping arrangements aren't exactly as I'd planned...just kidding. To be honest, with Tamara I rushed into sex at the first available opportunity...and with Andie I thought we waited until the time was right - but let's be real - we didn't wait long. Judging by that success rate, I ought to join a monastery right now. I want things to be different with Joey. I'm trying really hard to actually not screw this one up. Because right now...she is my world. Everything I've ever wanted is right here in this boat. Joey Potter, first an avowed enemy, then a trusted friend, and finally...I'm afraid to even write this down because I might jinx something. Seems like every time something good, something that feels positive and right, enters my life, something comes in and takes it away. And this is one feeling I don't want to lose...ever!!
I know I haven't called ya that in a while but you deserve it for just taking off without saying goodbye when you are fully aware of my ISSUES with being ABANDONED. I think now I'm just going to tell everyone you're dead like I did my dad. So how do you want to have died? I'll tell them you got attacked by pirates and eaten by crows. Have a good trip. Not like you're gonna write me back or anything. You're probably too busy with your hottie gf. Whatever. Don't call me when you get back since you won't anyway.
I didn't mean to leave without saying goodbye to Buzz. But then I decided to leave earlier than originally scheduled, and I decided that I couldn't take one more "goodbye." I never knew before what it was like to have a kid depend on you. I feel like crap. Worse, I feel like my dad - not showing the kid how much I care about him. If I ever have kids, even if I screw them up, which I inevitably will, I'm gonna make sure they know I love them. And I swear I'm gonna be nothing like my dad. And -- I'm going to prove that to Buzz. I'm gonna prove that I'm not a deadbeat mentor. But I think I'm entitled to a brief honeymoon before settling down, right?
Summer Diaries Lines/Banter