Subject: Your secret is safe with me
Well, I must admit I ws not exactly expecting to hear from you. But I'm glad you felt you could write me. We've come a long way since sophomore year. I've always wondered if my arrival in Capeside had this Pandora's Box type effect on this entire Pacey/Joey/Dawson universe. I suppose it's a bit self-indulgent to take responsibility for that whole devolution... but if there's a way to blame myself, you can bet I'll find it.
Ironically, I think maybe everything worked out for the best. You sound happy. Treasure that. Happiness doesn't find you too often -- You have to hold onto what you find. While you were watching Mitch and Gale take their vows, I was chasing a bus full of football player halfway to Ohio to tell one specific football player that I love him and it was cheesy and sappy and cinematic and totally out of character -- yet I feel this total inner peace now... The knowledge that no matter what happens... I didn't let a chance at happiness slip by. You're doing the same. Run with it...savor it... hold onto your happiness for as long as you can. It's too rare and precious a thing to let go. That's my advice.
Take care of yourself, Joey.
P.S. My advice on sex? Joey, I'm the last person you should be asking about that. I guess I should tell you to take your time. You'll know when the moment is right. I didn't take my time and look how screwed up I am. Hope that helps... JL
Jen's advice doesn't exactly help. Not when I'm spending every waking moment with a person that I really want to have sex with! I know the collective experiences of Jen, Bessie, and countless others should bring my mind to the logical "stay away" conclusion but somehow when we're together my brain starts taking leaps and bounds toward other not so logical conclusions. I have to stop myself not because I wan to, but because I know I have to or there'll be no turning back. So I'm waiting...waiting for the right time. But when is that right time? At what point will it be right? How will I know? And when will I completely disregard all these rational thoughts, listen to what my body and my heart are telling me, and give into Pacey's irresistable charm...?
We stayed at a real hotel last night! There wre cheap rates at this port in Delaware, and I was really beginning to desperately need a real shower, and some solid earth beneath my feel. It was well worth the $40 we paid... even though it looked a bit like the Bates Motel, it felt like the Ritz compared to our usual cramped boat. It felt wonderful... I thought about sex with him. I mean the two of us in a small enclosed space all summer, finally in a facility with real running water and comfortable mattresses - how could I not? There was only one bed in the hotel room but when we slept... I wouldn't even let him touch me because I was afraid of what would happen.
I wish I knew what was going on in Joey's head. I know she's not ready for sex with me and I respect that. I just want her to know that she can trust me. I mean, I think she thinks if I put my arm around her I won't be able to restrain my hormonal impulses, and we'll go from hugging to kissing to point of no return without her having any time to deconstruct the situation and analyze the consequences. I wish she knew that she doesn't have to worry about that with me, that I'm gonna love her no matter what, no matter how long I hav eto wait. Hell, I had to wait the entire school year to tell the girl how I feel, so really, in the scheme of things, what's another lifetime to wait for the physical culmination of that love? But I can't help wondering does she as least want to? As much as I do?
I bought this map of the East Coast so that Joey and I can track our progress. Also it helps to make sure we're actually going the right direction here. I never was too good at geography. But the way I figure it, the worst possible case scenario here is that Joey and I find ourselves hopelessly lost at sea together... never to find Capeside again. We could live on our deserted island together... (though ever since I found out those game show freaks are eating rats it's kind of killed the "fantasy island" dream a tad). My point is this... It's a little scary, but I feel like somehow the two of us together could handle just about calamity that comes our way... which is good because if my dad's old adages about "red skies at morn" are any indication, stormy weather's approaching...
Summer Diaries Lines/Banter